Hallelujah, praise be, I think nearly every woman in the nation rejoiced when Bojo finally said the beauty salons could reopen. I mean of course, there are rules, you can’t get ya brows or lashes done but by all means get ya Bush waxed, go for your life with a vajazzle. The nails can finally be sorted and don’t even get me started on the actual state of my roots; the hairdressers will have their work cut out fixing lockdown hair for the next few months.
So with the newfound freedom for us all, I wanted to give some advice. Important advice that I wish someone had told me.
For anyone who knows me, if you are in a fix and you need some serious advice I’m probably not the first person who would spring to mind, I’m mean obvs I’m super cool, and excellent at advice, just perhaps not overall rational. I have a tendency to jump in two feet first (or two fists first) which has got me into a spot of bother once or twice.
However this is Bible the best advice I could ever give so all ears now… the story is about to begin.
It was 2019 or 2020 (not important) and once again the stress of life, work, kids and my many a breakdowns had taken its toll on my back. I was in much pain, and nothing was really working to help. It had been suggested I go for an authentic Thai Massage, an amazing, deep tissue, jaw clenching, painful AF Thai massage which halfway through you think you might die but strangely feels equally amazing and after a few days does fix you.
So… I’m two feet straight into this idea, all booked up. Now I didn’t really know what I should expect being my first time, like, does your bra stay on? Do they do full body? Do they really stand on you? No, Yes and Yes -in a way. But anyway I decided matching underwear would be a good start, obvs its shows someone has their entire life together when they wear matching underwear, and it would be a good idea to shave the legs and armpits.
So I’m set, shaved, and matching, off I trot to my massage. I meet the most beautiful Thai lady who is so calm kind and gentle, hop up on the bed in nothing but ya pants and was covered with a towel.
The massage is going great guns, like painful as hell but in a strangely pain-relieving way. When it’s time to lie on your back, your face is covered with a towel as is your body just exposing your legs. By this point, we’re halfway through, and you seriously know this lady is the business, she is amazing.
It comes to a part where beautiful, strong Thai lady is sorting out my leg, now remember I can’t see what’s going on, but to me, it feels like she is about to advanced yoga my leg into next week, somehow my leg is in the air, high up, stretching, as it gets higher I’m acutely aware that my lady bits albeit in pants are entirely on show. Still, I have no idea where she is in relation to me and if she can see. I decide it doesn’t matter because ya know, all girls here, I’m wearing pants. All of a sudden…
PING… my heart stops, the breathing stops, my eyes widen, actually feeling the terry towel material on my pupils… PING, fucking PING… A flap, an entire flap has broken free from my knickers and is currently on show giving an actual high 5 to the Thai lady.
Well, that’s one way to build rapport. Might I add, it was an unshaved flap because who would even plan for an escaping flap??
Some seriously quick thinking had to be done; I had two choices. !.) Jump up, rescue flap with hands and tuck it safely back inside me pants potentially knocking massage lady off bed in the process and causing actual harm to her OR, 2.) Act casual, like, move along, nothing to see here folks, keep walking, so I obvs did what any self-respecting woman would do, and cash’d it out. When the massage lady realised I wasn’t going to do fuck all she politely popped a towel over me and gave me some dignity back, and very carefully went on like nothing had happened.
After the massage, I again acted with divine dignity and decorum. I immediately rang half my phonebook to tell them my flap popped out halfway through and gave them a lesson in “appropriate gusset width” pants when going for a massage.
So, amidst all the excitement of salons opening and treatments happening, I do not want you to overlook the small details of appropriate underwear choices. Ladies, gusset width, is real! So unless you want your flaps to start high fiving mid-treatment might I suggest the bigger the knickers, the better.
That is probably the very best advice I have ever given.
You’re welcome! Stay Safe & Stay Secure.
