Its 7.30am. That’s a great time to wake up isn’t it, quite respectable. But I have been awake since 4am, again which is bearable if you are going on holiday which I clearly am not.
That sweet-faced boy I forgave yesterday for being a Turd at times – well he decided at 3am that my bed was the place for him, he came into and plonked his little big fireball body into the middle of the bed, within seconds I was hanging on for dear life to my designated 1 square inch, obvs with no quilt. He then proceeded to silent fart all night so bad I started choking as the smell hit the back of my throat then convinced myself I’d got the corona symptoms, so sleep didn’t come.
At some point during my hostage like situation I must have fallen asleep as I was woken with what felt like an authentic Thai massage, whereby when he was pushing my back so hard I think he cracked two ribs.
Alf then thought it would be a wonderful idea to serenade the family with his electric guitar plugged into his amp full blast, I leapt out of bed (broken ribs n all) tried to run but then the pain of the post-exercise day 2 kicked in and I couldn’t feel my legs so waddled like a drunk vicar who’d shit himself into Alfie’s room to be met by the smell of shit that could have taken Chernobyl out, all my senses were battered, deafened, beaten and sleep-deprived, reciting it’s not ok to beat your kid, I thrust headphones at the turd.
Safely back in bed for 5 mins, thinking I may have to break the social distancing to check my next-door neighbours are still alive as I think their bedroom backs on to our bathroom he comes to join me back in my bed with a pile of books in tow.
Happy Tuesday All X
